pt Fred。 He wanted to see this guy because he didn’t believe he could be all that tough。 So； Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar； hid behind the counter； and waited。
He didn’t wait long。 Soon there was a noise in the street。 As Fred looked out a hole in the wall； he saw this huge； mean…looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen。 The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar； jumped off the beast； punched it in the head and bellowed； “Wait here till I get back！”
The fellow turned and walked up the steps。 Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes。 He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly； hollefing；“You pussycats stay here till I’m done！” The cats fearfully sat down。
Into the bar stormed the fellow； ripping the doors off the wall as he passed。 With two strides he approached the bar； picked up the bottle of Red Eye； bit off the neck； and downed it all in one gulp。 Poor Fred； thoroughly frightened by now； let out a little whimper。 The guy looked down over the bar and roared； “Who the hell do you think you’re looking at？”
Fred managed to say； “N。。。 n。。。n。。。nothing； mister。 Do you want another bottle of Red Eye？”
To which the fellow replied；“Hell no！ I don’t have time！ I got to get out of here—Mad Martin’s ing！
谁是最伟大的人
一个法官、一个教堂主教和一位指挥家正在进行一场辩论。三个人都是虚荣自负的人，他们的话题很快转到他们之中谁是最伟大的人上。
“嗯，”法官说，“我的职业既高贵又拥有权力，当我走进法庭的时候，狱警会说‘全体起立！’接着所有人都会站起来向我致意。”
“好极了，”主教说，“人们站起来向你致敬。当我出现在教堂里，人们会跪在我的面前，亲吻我的戒指，并称呼我为‘陛下’。” 。 想看书来
花样年华 第六章（4）
指挥家哼了一声，说道：“我觉得你们都不如我。当我作为客座指挥走上指挥台的时候，人们都垂着头，用手捂着眼睛，说道，‘噢，我的上帝！’”
Who Is the Greatest？
A judge； a bishop； and a conductor were having a discussion。 All three were rather vain men； and their talk soon turned to the question of which of them was the greatest。
“Well；” said the judge； “my position is one of dignity and power。 When I walk into the courtroom； the bailiff says ‘All rise！’ and all the people stand to pay me honor。”
“That’s very nice；” said the bishop。“People stand in your honor； but when people have an audience with me they kneel； kiss my ring； and they address me as ‘Your Holiness。 ’”
The conductor snorted and said； “I think I got you both beat； when I step onto the podium； as guest conductor； the people look down； put their hands over their eyes； and say ‘Oh； my God！’”
今天早上还没有呢
一个从美国得克萨斯州来的人，特别喜欢吹牛。这天，他在出租车司机的帮助下观光伦敦。
“这是什么建筑物？”得克萨斯人问。
“先生，那是伦敦塔。”出租司机回答。
“唉，在美国，我们两星期之内就可以建起一座这样的建筑物。”得克萨斯人故意拉长了腔调。
走了一会儿，他又问：“我们刚才经过的建筑物叫什么名字？”
“先生，那是白金汉宫，是女王住的地方。”
“是吗？”得克萨斯人说，“你知道吗？在得克萨斯，像这样的宫殿只要一个星期就可以建成。”
几分钟后，他们又从威斯敏斯特大教堂经过。这位美国人又问：“嘿，司机，那边是什么楼？”
“先生，我也不知道，”司机说； “今天早晨还没有呢！”
It Wasn’t There This Morning
A boastful American from Texas was being shown the sights of London by a taxi…driver。
“What’s that building there？” asked the Taxan。
“That’s the Tower of London； sir；” replied the taxi…diver。
“Say； we can put up buildings like that in two weeks；” drawled the Texan。
A little while later he said； “And what’s that building we’re passing now？”
“That’s Buckingham Palace； sir； where the Queen lives。”
“Is that so？” said the Texan。 “Do you know back in Texas we could put up a palace like that in a week。”
A few minutes later they were passing Westminster Abbey。 The American again asked； “Hey； cabby； what’s that building over there？”
“I’m afraid I don’t know； sir；” replied the taxi…driver。 “It wasn’t there this morning！”
一只勇敢的猪
我小的时候生活在华盛顿。到了周末，爸爸常常带我们到南部的卡罗莱纳州去玩。正是在那里我们看到了什么是“真正的生活”。爸爸会沿路开一会儿车，然后把车停在路边，找农场里的人聊聊天。
正当爸爸和一个农妇聊天时，我发现了这只猪……
那只猪很漂亮，可只有三条腿，右后腿还是用木头做的！我对这点很好奇。于是就问那个农民：
“先生，为什么你的猪有一只木头腿啊？”
“是这样的，孩子。这是一只勇敢的猪。有天晚上，我和妻子正在房里睡觉时，这只猪跑进来叫醒了我们，我们才知道房子着火了。我们立刻跑了出去，才保住了性命。”
“这只猪的腿是在那场火灾中烧坏的吗？”
花样年华 第六章（5）
“不是的，它完好无损地跑了出去。实际上，它甚至还跑了回去，把我们的孩子也救了出来。”
“那为何这只猪会有一只木头腿呢？”
“我已经告诉你了，孩子。那是只勇敢的猪！一只英勇的猪！它救了我们全家人的性命！”
“是的，先生。可是为何它有只木头腿呢？”
“孩子，像这样的猪，我们是不舍得一次就把它吃光的！”
A Brave Pig
I lived in DC when I was young； and dad used to take us on weekend trips south into the Carolina； so that we could see what “real life” was like。 He’d just drive along the road for a while； and then pull over at some farm and start talking to the people there。
Dad was chatting up a farmer’s wife once，when I discovered this pig。。。
It was a nice pig。 But it only had three legs。 The right back leg was wooden！ Well； I was as curious as could be； so I asked the farmer：
“Excuse me； sir。 Why does your pig have a wooden leg？”
“Well； boy。 That is a courageous pig。 The wife and me were asleep in the house one night； when that pig came running in and woke us up。 The whole place was ablaze。 We just got out alive。”
“And the pig got its leg burned up in the fire？”
“Nope。 Pig got out just fine。 Matter of fact； he even went back in and saved the kids。”
“Then why does the pig have a wooden leg？”
“I told you； boy。 That is a BRAVE pig！ A heroic pig！ That pig saved our lives！”
“Yes； sir。 But why does he have a wooden leg！”
“Boy； a pig like that； you don’t eat all in one sitting！”
花样年华 第七章
心理学
几位来自不同国家的商人正在一艘游览船上开会，这时船开始下沉。船长指挥他的助手说：“去告诉那些人穿上救生衣，往水里跳。”
几分钟后，助手回来报告：“这些人不肯往水里跳。”“交给我吧，”船长命令道，“看我是怎么做的。”
没过多久，船长回来说：“他们都跳下去了。”
“你是怎么做到的？”助手问。
“我运用了心理学。我告诉英国人这是体育锻练，他就跳了。我告诉法国人这是流行的事，我告诉德国人这是命令，我告诉意大利人这是被禁止的。”
“那你是怎样让美国人跳的？”
“很简单，”船长说，“我告诉他，他已经上了保险了。”
Psychology
Several international businessmen were on a conference cruise when the ship began to sink。 “Go and tell those fellows to put on life jackets and jump overboard；” the captain directed his first mate。
A few minutes later the first mate returned。 “Those guys won’t jump；”he reported。 “Take over；” the captain ordered， “and I’ll see what I can do。”
Returning moments later； he announced； “They’ve gone。”