《美丽英文:上帝的笑》

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美丽英文:上帝的笑- 第15部分


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  Blind Date
  After being with his blind date all evening; the man couldn’t take another minute with her。 Earlier; he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened。
  When he returned to the table; he lowered his eyes; put on a grim expression and said;“I have some bad news。 My grandfather just died。 ”
  “Thank heavens;” his date replied。 “If yours hadn’t; mine would have had to!”
  当敌兵袭击你时
  警官正在给他的连队上一堂战斗课,他问:“约瑟,假如你看到有700名敌兵正朝你冲过来,你会怎么办?“
  约瑟说:“我会用我的枪打死他们。”
  警官问:“你看到你的右方有400名敌兵正向你扑过来,你会怎么办?”
  约瑟说:“我会用我的枪打死他们。”
  警官继续说:“很好,约瑟,你注意到你的左方有1;000名敌兵正直冲你奔来,你会怎么办?”
  约瑟又回答:“我会用我的枪打死他们。”
  警官大叫:“稍等,约瑟,你是从哪里得到这些子弹的?” 。 想看书来

聪明人生 第三章(3)
士兵笑了笑,说道:“您在同一个地方从哪里把这些敌兵调集来的呢?”
  When Enemy Soldiers e at You
  The first sergeant was holding a class on bat for his pany。 He said;“Jose; what would you do if you saw 700 enemy soldiers ing at you?”
  Jose said;“I would shoot them all with my rifle。”
  The sergeant asked;“On the fight you see 400 enemy soldiers charging at you。 What would you do?”
  Jose said;“I would shoot them with my rifle。”
  The sergeant continued; “Okay! On your left; Jose; you notice 1;000 enemy soldiers heading straight at you。 What would you do?”
  Jose answered。“I would shoot them all with my rifle。”
  The sergeant yelled;“Just a minute; Jose。 Where are you getting all those bullets?”
  The soldier smiled and said; “Where are you getting all those enemy soldiers in the same place?”
  四减四等于几
  一天,老师问彼德:“四减四等于几?”彼德结结巴巴地答不上来。老师生气地说:“你可真笨!你想想,假如我在你的口袋里放四个硬币,可你的口袋里有个窟窿,结果四个硬币都漏掉了。那么,你的口袋里还剩下什么?”“窟窿。”彼德答道。
  4…4=?
  One day; the teacher inquired Peter:“How much is four minus four?” Peter was tongue…tied。 The teacher got angry and said:“What a fool! You see; if I put four coins in your pocket; but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out; now what is left in your pocket?”“ The hole;” replied Peter。
   电子书 分享网站

聪明人生 第四章(1)
大自然的一件糟糕的作品
  惠斯勒为一位知名人士画完肖像后,问那个人是否喜欢。
  “不,我不能说我喜欢它,惠斯勒先生。你不得不承认这是一件差劲的艺术作品。” “对,”惠斯勒透过自己的单片眼镜看着对方,回答道,“可是您也要承认,您是大自然的一件糟糕的作品。”
  A Bad Work of Nature
  When Whistler had finished a portrait or a well…known celebrity; he asked him whether he liked it。
  “No; I can’t say I do; Mr。 Whistler; and you must really admit it’s a bad work of art。”
  “Yes;” replied the artist; looking at his sitter through his monocle; “but then you must admit that you are a bad work of nature。”
  拿破仑病了
  杰克就读于一所大学的历史系。可是第一学期结束时,历史课教授没让他及格,学校督促他退学。杰克的父亲决定亲自去见教授,强烈要求杰克继续明年的学业。
  “他是个好孩子,”杰克的父亲说:“您若是让他通过考试,我相信他明年会取得很大的进步,学期结束时,他一定会取得好成绩的。”
  “不,不,不会的,”教授马上回答。“你知不知道?上个月我问他拿破仑什么时候死的,他都不知道。”
  “先生,请原谅他一次吧。”杰克的父亲说,“您不知道,恐怕是因为我们家没有订任何报纸。我们全家人甚至连拿破仑病了都不知道。”
  Napoleon Was Ill
  Jack had gone to the university to study history; but at the end of his first year; his history professor failed him in his examinations; and he was told that he would have to leave the university。 However; his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year。
  “He’s a good boy;” said Jack’s father;“and if you let him pass this time; I’m sure he’ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well。”
  “No; no; that’s quite impossible;” replied the professor immediately。 “Do you know; last month I asked him when Napoleon had died; he didn’t know!”
  “Please; sir; give him another chance;” said Jack’s father。“You see; I’m afraid we don’t take any newspaper in our house; so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill。”
  绳子还是公牛
  在监狱里,一个人问新来的犯人是什么原因被关进来的。新来的犯人回答说:“我觉得自己真是倒霉极了。几天前,我走在街上,看见地上有一根脏绳子。我原以为没人要了,便顺手捡起来带回了家。”
  “可是捡一根绳子带回家根本不犯法啊!”
  “我告诉过你我倒霉吧?”那个人叹了一口气,说道,“麻烦的就是,我没有看到绳子的那一头还有一头公牛。”
  Rope or Ox
  The man in the prison asked a new er why he was sent there。 The new er answered:“I am out of luck; I think。 A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of dirty rope。 I thought nobody wanted it and so I picked it up and took it home。”
  “But it is not against the law to pick up a piece of rope and take home!”
  “I told you I had bad luck; didn’t I?” the man sighed;“The trouble is that I didn’t notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope。”

聪明人生 第四章(2)
休 假
  汤姆不喜欢上学,总是找借口不去。如果他打喷嚏,他就让妈妈写个纸条说自己感冒了。如果他头痛,他就在上课时间,叫妈妈带他去看病。他待在家里的时间远比在学校的时间多。在他真正去上学的日子里,他会编造借口早点回家。
  一天早上,刚上了一半课,他就从学校回来了。看到他回来,他的爸爸很惊讶,便问道:“你今天回来得这么早,学校放学了吗?”
  “没有,爸爸,”汤姆说,“还没到放学的时间呢,我先回来了。”
  “你怎么会提前回来呢?”爸爸问,“你跟老师怎么说的?”
  “我告诉她我有了一个小弟弟,我得回家帮你。”
  “可你的妈妈生了一对双胞眙,”爸爸说,“一个男孩,一个女孩。你有一个小弟弟和一个小妹妹。”
  “是的,我知道,爸爸,”汤姆说,“等下个星期,我再说我有了个小妹妹。”
  A Holiday from School
  Tommy hated school and was always looking for excuses not to go。 If he sneezed; he asked his mother to write a note saying he had a cold。 If he had a headache; he asked his mother to take him to the doctor during school hours。 He spent more time at home than he did at schoo1。 On the days that he did go to school; he looked for excuses to e home early。
  One morning he came home when the lessons were only half finished。
  His father was surprised。
  “You’ve e home early;” he said; “Is the school closed today?”
  “No; Dad;” Tommy said; “It’s open。 I came home early。”
  “How did you do that?” his father asked him; “What did you say to the teacher?”
  “I told her that I had a new baby brother and that I had to e home and help you。”
  “But your mother has had twins;” his father said; “a boy and a girl。 You’ve got a baby brother and a baby sister。”
  “Yes; I know; Dad;” Tommy said; “I’m saving up my baby sister for next week。”
  导盲犬
  一个盲人领着一只导盲犬站在十字路口处等着过马路。就在这个时候,导盲犬把腿一抬,开始往主人身上撒尿。这个盲人十分平静地从口袋里拿出了一块饼干给狗吃。一个过路人刚好看到了这一切,很不解地说:“你的脾气真
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